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Wednesday, 01 July 2009

We have a daughter. :-)

Our beautiful baby girl was born on June 16th, 2009 at 1:49am. She weighed in a 6 lbs. 14.8oz and 20" long. She's absolutely amazing. And as far as we can tell, she's perfectly healthy as well. Praise the Lord for such a wonderful gift to us!

I've posted some pictures on Facebook, and I plan to add all of our pictures to our picasa site. If you'd like access to that picasa album (since it will not be a public album), please send me a quick message and I'll do my best to hook you up (unless you're a scary person who I don't want to have access to pictures of my baby, of course).

I think the little noises she makes while she sleeps are one of the two most beautiful sources of music in the world -- the other being the music that my husband makes.

I love being a mama already.

Monday, 08 June 2009

dialogue

I had dreamed of attending seminary for many years and had finally made it -- I was at the school I dreamed of attending with the degree program I thought best fit the goals I believed I was called to, pursuing the God-given passions of my heart. And Adam, my wonderful new husband, whom I joyfully accept as my beautiful gift and protector and whom I am so excited about doing life with, feels that I shouldn't be there. At least, not right now.

Wait a minute. What?

You mean you want me to back up my claims that I would follow Your plan no matter what, as well as hold to my new vows that I would submit to my husband's leadership?

You mean all those times I spouted to others that 'I-don't-really-know-Your-full-plan-and-am-just-going-to-continue-taking-steps-in-the-direction-You've-sent-me-until-further-notice' are being tested, and You want to take me in a different direction that seemingly takes me away from the goal I've been fiercely pursuing for so long?

But what about how hard I've worked to do what You asked of me? I'm finally to the major commencement of a place I felt You called me to, and now You don't want me to finish?

Oh, You didn't say You didn't want me to finish. I see. You just said, through my husband, that You don't want me to work on it right now. Because, at least in part, we're going to start a family. Oh, and because You caught me with my hand closed around this dream and I needed to see that? Ah.

AND you want me to quit my job before I'm even pregnant? But, what am I going to do with myself until our baby gets here? What can I possibly be doing that's worthwhile if I'm relegated to staying home and doing laundry and dishes? What good is that for the Kingdom? That's wonderfully well and good for the folks You've called to be wives and moms. I really do believe that's noble. But that's not all You called me to. At least, I didn't think it was. What's going on here?

::confusion, fear, grimacing, discomfort::

So what does this mean? Did I misunderstand You? Did I just make up this "calling" that I've been operating out of for the last 15 years? I really thought this was what You asked me to do and where You sent me. Did I have it all wrong somehow?

Just trust You.  I don't have to have all the answers right now. Sigh.

...

Hello? Dad, are you still there?

I still don't understand what it is You're trying to tell me. Would You please run this by me again?

Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. I have this bad habit of finding my worth in the things I do for You instead of depending on my identity in Christ. I try to earn my worth by serving instead of resting in the understanding that I really don't have any worth outside of what Christ has transferred to me from Himself -- and no amount of work or service can possibly earn it. It really was a non-merit-based gift. Therefore, I need to learn to stop "doing" and get better at "being" -- being a daughter of the King. So, that means: no work, and no school...because You're taking away the media I use to "do" instead of "be." And no answers to my questions of whether school will ever be in my future again. It means I need to wait upon You and learn more about You through direct interaction and intimacy with you instead of mostly learning about You through school. ... Mind if I go cry about this for a while? You see, I had gotten very attached to this dream and now I'm very frightened to open my hand on it and surrender it before Your feet. I know that my fear means that my trust in You is small in this area. Help me in my unbelief! Increase my faith.

Yes, that's what You're doing. Right. I knew that.

Ok, please be patient with me if I randomly start crying over this again, but in the meantime, would you please explain to me what exactly it means to "be" instead of "do?" If I'm not here to work, then why am I here? I don't get it. How can I possibly be worth anything to You if I'm not useful in some way? What possible value can I present to You through my existence if I'm not serving You somehow? Why did you really create me? I've heard all this talk about how You delight in me just because I am Your daughter...that I don't have to do anything for You to love me. But even though I've heard this a hundred thousand times, I just don't think I believe it. How can you possibly love me unless I'm working for You? I mean, really? I have no intrinsic value. Unless You've put some kind of value in me that I just don't see.

Ah, you've given me a daughter -- so that perhaps I can have a small glimpse of Your perspective toward me. Okay. That really was a beautiful surprise. Thank you.    Dont' let me miss a thing from this picture You're giving me.

And her name is Emily Hope? Why that name?

Emily means "industrious." So I would always be reminded that I should not lose hope in the work of the Lord -- either in my own work in You and Your plan for my life, or in Your work within us through that plan. Okay, that was a beautiful message for me, too. Thank you, again. Thank you for speaking to my heart, and for touching the tender places within my heart that I really needed You to touch, and not just the places that I was whining about. You really do know what's best for me. I'm sorry that I don't always act like I believe that, and I'm sorry that I often throw tantrums when I don't get my way. I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to believe that Your plan is better than my own limited perspective, even if it doesn't include the dreams that I have held on to for so long. Burn Your truth into my heart, Father.

Thank you for making me quit my job. I really thought I'd get bored and go crazy, but the rest really has been helpful. It's made me appreciate what I have here at home, and it's given me time to invest more in my husband and our marriage before adding a daughter into the mix. And it's also given me a chance to spend a lot more time with the beautiful women you've placed around me. Our community has grown deeper because I have had more freedom to spend time with them. Thank you for that.

Please help me understand more though. So often, I still feel useless, and afraid. Afraid that I'm somehow misunderstanding what it is that You're asking of me right now and I really ought to be working...that one of these days You're going to come back to the vineyard and find me eating and drinking of your rich stores instead of working, and say to me "Badly done, lazy and irresponsible servant." Help me truly understand Your love for me -- not as I have been taught by my past or by any other influence, but from Your own lips. Keep stripping away all the frivolity and distraction that has built up in my foundations. Draw me closer and whisper to my heart, Abba.

Please show me who You really are.
16 days

I just caught up on everyone's blogs that I like to follow. I had gotten out of the habit of checking my blogroll daily, so I had a lot to catch up on. And now I'm marginally inspired to update my own - which hasn't happened in a while.

The easy chit-chat. I am now 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our first daughter. We've scheduled a c-section on June 24th -- which is only 16 days away. I have officially reached the "uncomfortable" stage of pregnancy, so I'm ready for her to arrive whenever she deems appropriate between now and the 24th...however, I would, for her sake, prefer if she would at least wait until she's been baking for 37 full weeks. This is apparently the magic number for when she'll be considered "full term" and have her best chances of health upon independent entrance into the world.

The nursery is very nearly finished. I have those little name letters (that everyone loves) to paint and hang, as well as the repainting of a small chest of drawers that Grammy V graciously gave for the cause (yay!), and that's it. So the painting shall commence hopefully sometime during this coming week, and then I can say that the nursery is officially ready.

Oh, and Moogie tells us that the bassinet she has been refurbishing is now ready as well. I can't wait to see it! She does such beautiful work. We'll pick it up later this week.

Adam and I keep repeating to each other nearly every day (and sometimes many times a day) how we can't wait to see her face and hold her in our arms. We are so looking forward to meeting our beautiful gift of a daughter and beginning the adventure that her life will bring to us both. Lord help us be good parents who can help guide her in the path of godliness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As for me personally, I have been wrestling with the concept of "purpose" for a good while now. It started when Adam gently told me about a year ago that he didn't want me to continue pursuing seminary studies right now. I admire his courage in telling me how he felt about it. That was a hard conversation, followed by many subsequent conversations that have still been hard for me. But knowing how hard it would be for me to hear it, Adam moved forward with what he believed was the leading he had from the Lord on the subject. I'm proud of him for addressing it with me. And grateful that I have a husband who will pursue the Lord even at the cost of possibly hurting me. What a tremendous blessing to have a husband who is rightly situated in obedience to the Lord.

More on that in the next post.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

II Chronicles 7:14

Got this message today in my inbox. I really wanted to share it with anyone who would listen.
Love,
d

Our nation is/has been on the slippery slope for a long time. If you look around you will find
corruption, greed, moral decay and a steady move away from the things that made us great. The
principles upon which this nation was founded are no longer our backbone.

However, we can reverse this trend. In II Chronicles 7:14 God says,"If my people who are called by
my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I
will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land."

I am convinced that we must pray for our nation and its leaders and ask for forgiveness. So I ask
you to join me in this plea to our Lord.

Would you please send this to people in your address book. Ask them to pray EVERYDAY. IMAGINE if
each person reaches TEN others...or TWENTYFIVE! If you do and they comply, we will lift up
millions and millions of prayers a day to our Creator. He will hear us and in faith will answer.

Let me just add a quote from Ronald Reagan – "If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God,
then we will be a nation gone under."

I believe this is why the United States of America is in the shape we are in today: Many people
have forgotten that we are one nation under God! Let us as Christians stand up and remind people
of this.

Thursday, 05 March 2009

ho hum

There's not much to report since my last update. No big changes or anything. Emi (I haven't decided whether I want to spell it as Emi or Emmy yet) has been wiggling a lot and living up to her previous term of affection. It makes me nervous when she's too quiet, so I welcome the activity from her all the time. I've been ravenously hungry lately, which is kind of fun, because I usually have the opposite problem of not much appetite. A. was sick a few days ago, but is feeling better now. He's back to his mostly happy and sunshiny self and is helping me along as the physical side of pregnancy grows a little more difficult. We've had some really good time together lately, and it's been wonderful.

Mostly, I've just been riding the emotional roller coaster. First, I'm pregnant, which means that my hormones rage randomly whenever they want to. Sometimes I am walking along through my day feeling just fine, and then all of a sudden, one tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be in a funk for the rest of the day. Sometimes that funk is angry. Sometimes it's irritable. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. But then there are the good moments. It's early spring for us, which means that most of our days are mid-70s right now, which is just about as beautiful as can be. It could only be better if it were greener outside already. And the times when I have the opportunity to drive around running my errands in the sunshine are the times that I feel best. I feel good. I feel calm. I feel free and confident.

Second, I've been doing some spiritual house-cleaning. Or rather, the Lord has been doing it upon me. I have had a life-long habit of stuffing - everything - down into the dark abyss of my heart. I learned to pretend that whatever happened that hurt or upset me should just be stuffed away, and then I could keep moving and functioning as though it didn't happen at all. I've been reaping the not-so-lovely benefits of this practice now for a while, and I'm so exhausted from these past ghosts reappearing that I'm desperately crying out for freedom and cleanliness in my heart. Well, the Lord has heard my prayers, and He's been faithfully bringing a bunch of things back to the surface from the abyss - for processing and evacuation. Not fun. But it feels so very good to get that stuff out of the depths and remove that pressure from my somewhere soul.

I spent a sleepless night last week doing some of this cleaning out with Him. He kept me awake and made me deal with a couple of subjects in particular. I felt like He showed me a large vat of swirling murk and marbled funk - out of which things were rising like cream to the top. So we spent some time skimming off the layers and separating them out into jars for further processing as we go. I'm pretty sure that those particular layers aren't finished yet, but at least it has been partially sorted and will be easier to deal with now that it's out of the "vat of confusion and disorientation." Ha, take that, Beast.

Anyway, it's all good. I love how no matter what I am going through, I can always find that foundation of joy that Paul talks about - the secret of contentment in all circumstances. It's really true. I always know that I'm going to be okay, no matter what's happening on the surface or what battles I'm fighting, because the Lord is my protector. That's some very deep comfort and consolation at all times. It's a peace so satisfying that I have a hard time finding a good enough word to describe it.