There's not much to report since my last update. No big changes or anything. Emi (I haven't decided whether I want to spell it as Emi or Emmy yet) has been wiggling a lot and living up to her previous term of affection. It makes me nervous when she's too quiet, so I welcome the activity from her all the time. I've been ravenously hungry lately, which is kind of fun, because I usually have the opposite problem of not much appetite. A. was sick a few days ago, but is feeling better now. He's back to his mostly happy and sunshiny self and is helping me along as the physical side of pregnancy grows a little more difficult. We've had some really good time together lately, and it's been wonderful.
Mostly, I've just been riding the emotional roller coaster. First, I'm pregnant, which means that my hormones rage randomly whenever they want to. Sometimes I am walking along through my day feeling just fine, and then all of a sudden, one tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be in a funk for the rest of the day. Sometimes that funk is angry. Sometimes it's irritable. Sometimes I just want to cry. Sometimes I just want to be alone and not talk to anyone. But then there are the good moments. It's early spring for us, which means that most of our days are mid-70s right now, which is just about as beautiful as can be. It could only be better if it were greener outside already. And the times when I have the opportunity to drive around running my errands in the sunshine are the times that I feel best. I feel good. I feel calm. I feel free and confident.
Second, I've been doing some spiritual house-cleaning. Or rather, the Lord has been doing it upon me. I have had a life-long habit of stuffing - everything - down into the dark abyss of my heart. I learned to pretend that whatever happened that hurt or upset me should just be stuffed away, and then I could keep moving and functioning as though it didn't happen at all. I've been reaping the not-so-lovely benefits of this practice now for a while, and I'm so exhausted from these past ghosts reappearing that I'm desperately crying out for freedom and cleanliness in my heart. Well, the Lord has heard my prayers, and He's been faithfully bringing a bunch of things back to the surface from the abyss - for processing and evacuation. Not fun. But it feels so very good to get that stuff out of the depths and remove that pressure from my somewhere soul.
I spent a sleepless night last week doing some of this cleaning out with Him. He kept me awake and made me deal with a couple of subjects in particular. I felt like He showed me a large vat of swirling murk and marbled funk - out of which things were rising like cream to the top. So we spent some time skimming off the layers and separating them out into jars for further processing as we go. I'm pretty sure that those particular layers aren't finished yet, but at least it has been partially sorted and will be easier to deal with now that it's out of the "vat of confusion and disorientation." Ha, take that, Beast.
Anyway, it's all good. I love how no matter what I am going through, I can always find that foundation of joy that Paul talks about - the secret of contentment in all circumstances. It's really true. I always know that I'm going to be okay, no matter what's happening on the surface or what battles I'm fighting, because the Lord is my protector. That's some very deep comfort and consolation at all times. It's a peace so satisfying that I have a hard time finding a good enough word to describe it.
Comments (2)
I'm voting Emmy.
Been praying!
thanks, dear.
truly.