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Tuesday, 03 November 2009

Sunday, 18 October 2009

  • Lessons

    My baby is screaming, and my heart feels like it's about to implode.

    God told me that He would teach me about how much He loves me through my daughter. It's working. Right now, she's screaming because I put her to bed about an hour and a half earlier than she has voluntarily been staying up lately -- which has been too late. She's upset because she was awake and wanted to play some more, and as long as I stay in the room and keep her entertained, she's fine, but as soon as I leave the room and wait for her to go to sleep, the screaming starts again.

    She's had a habit that she has mostly been allowed to dictate for herself for several weeks, and unfortunately, it's a habit that isn't very good for her, or for me. Her control over the situation was only her illusion, and she was allowed to stay up that late only because I let her. Now I'm trying to teach her a new habit that's better for her, and she doesn't like it. Not at all.

    How many times does the Lord try to do something good for us, teach us a new habit or a new pathway that is better for us, and all we do in the process is scream and cry and feel like He has abandoned us? I'm sitting in here aching in a way that I didn't know before I had a daughter. Every day He works to break me out of my comfort zones and the places where I still think I am in control -- to take me to greater freedom through increased discipline and obedience. If this is only a fraction of how He feels at the slightest whimper from His child, let alone the screaming and the accusations of abandonment, then He is much stronger than I. I want to cry out to her that I'm still here! And run into her room, fold her into my arms, and hush her and comfort her until she is calm and feels safe and peaceful again. But in the long run, that isn't what is best for her. So I try to withstand it while her cries rip up my heart, and I pray.

    Father, thank you for being stronger than I am. For not giving in to my cries when you're teaching me something new and better instead. Thank you for being willing and strong enough to withstand this kind of heartache when we don't understand and scream and cry our way through it.

    Thank you for loving me so much, and for teaching me how much it hurts You when I cry.

Thursday, 16 July 2009

Wednesday, 01 July 2009

  • We have a daughter. :-)

    Our beautiful baby girl was born on June 16th, 2009 at 1:49am.  She weighed in a 6 lbs. 14.8oz and 20" long.  She's absolutely amazing.  And as far as we can tell, she's perfectly healthy as well.  Praise the Lord for such a wonderful gift to us!

    I've posted some pictures on Facebook, and I plan to add all of our pictures to our picasa site.  If you'd like access to that picasa album (since it will not be a public album), please send me a quick message and I'll do my best to hook you up (unless you're a scary person who I don't want to have access to pictures of my baby, of course).

    I think the little noises she makes while she sleeps are one of the two most beautiful sources of music in the world -- the other being the music that my husband makes.

    I love being a mama already.

Monday, 08 June 2009

  • dialogue

    I had dreamed of attending seminary for many years and had finally made it -- I was at the school I dreamed of attending with the degree program I thought best fit the goals I believed I was called to, pursuing the God-given passions of my heart.  And Adam, my wonderful new husband, whom I joyfully accept as my beautiful gift and protector and whom I am so excited about doing life with, feels that I shouldn't be there.  At least, not right now.

    Wait a minute.  What?

    You mean you want me to back up my claims that I would follow Your plan no matter what, as well as hold to my new vows that I would submit to my husband's leadership?

    You mean all those times I spouted to others that 'I-don't-really-know-Your-full-plan-and-am-just-going-to-continue-taking-steps-in-the-direction-You've-sent-me-until-further-notice' are being tested, and You want to take me in a different direction that seemingly takes me away from the goal I've been fiercely pursuing for so long?

    But what about how hard I've worked to do what You asked of me?  I'm finally to the major commencement of a place I felt You called me to, and now You don't want me to finish?

    Oh, You didn't say You didn't want me to finish.  I see.  You just said, through my husband, that You don't want me to work on it right now.  Because, at least in part, we're going to start a family.  Oh, and because You caught me with my hand closed around this dream and I needed to see that?  Ah.

    AND you want me to quit my job before I'm even pregnant?  But, what am I going to do with myself until our baby gets here?  What can I possibly be doing that's worthwhile if I'm relegated to staying home and doing laundry and dishes?  What good is that for the Kingdom?  That's wonderfully well and good for the folks You've called to be wives and moms.  I really do believe that's noble.  But that's not all You called me to.  At least, I didn't think it was.  What's going on here?

    ::confusion, fear, grimacing, discomfort::

    So what does this mean?  Did I misunderstand You?  Did I just make up this "calling" that I've been operating out of for the last 15 years?  I really thought this was what You asked me to do and where You sent me.  Did I have it all wrong somehow?

    Just trust You.  I don't have to have all the answers right now.  Sigh.

    ...

    Hello?  Dad, are you still there?

    I still don't understand what it is You're trying to tell me.  Would You please run this by me again?

    Ok, let me see if I've got this straight.  I have this bad habit of finding my worth in the things I do for You instead of depending on my identity in Christ.  I try to earn my worth by serving instead of resting in the understanding that I really don't have any worth outside of what Christ has transferred to me from Himself -- and no amount of work or service can possibly earn it.  It really was a non-merit-based gift.  Therefore, I need to learn to stop "doing" and get better at "being" -- being a daughter of the King.  So, that means: no work, and no school...because You're taking away the media I use to "do" instead of "be."  And no answers to my questions of whether school will ever be in my future again.  It means I need to wait upon You and learn more about You through direct interaction and intimacy with you instead of mostly learning about You through school.  ...  Mind if I go cry about this for a while?  You see, I had gotten very attached to this dream and now I'm very frightened to open my hand on it and surrender it before Your feet.  I know that my fear means that my trust in You is small in this area.  Help me in my unbelief!  Increase my faith.

    Yes, that's what You're doing.  Right.  I knew that.

    Ok, please be patient with me if I randomly start crying over this again, but in the meantime, would you please explain to me what exactly it means to "be" instead of "do?"  If I'm not here to work, then why am I here?  I don't get it.  How can I possibly be worth anything to You if I'm not useful in some way?  What possible value can I present to You through my existence if I'm not serving You somehow?  Why did you really create me?  I've heard all this talk about how You delight in me just because I am Your daughter...that I don't have to do anything for You to love me.  But even though I've heard this a hundred thousand times, I just don't think I believe it.  How can you possibly love me unless I'm working for You?  I mean, really?  I have no intrinsic value.  Unless You've put some kind of value in me that I just don't see.

    Ah, you've given me a daughter -- so that perhaps I can have a small glimpse of Your perspective toward me.  Okay.  That really was a beautiful surprise.  Thank you.    Dont' let me miss a thing from this picture You're giving me.

    And her name is Emily Hope?  Why that name?  

    Emily means "industrious."  So I would always be reminded that I should not lose hope in the work of the Lord -- either in my own work in You and Your plan for my life, or in Your work within us through that plan.  Okay, that was a beautiful message for me, too.  Thank you, again.  Thank you for speaking to my heart, and for touching the tender places within my heart that I really needed You to touch, and not just the places that I was whining about.  You really do know what's best for me.  I'm sorry that I don't always act like I believe that, and I'm sorry that I often throw tantrums when I don't get my way.  I don't know why I'm finding it so hard to believe that Your plan is better than my own limited perspective, even if it doesn't include the dreams that I have held on to for so long.  Burn Your truth into my heart, Father.

    Thank you for making me quit my job.  I really thought I'd get bored and go crazy, but the rest really has been helpful.  It's made me appreciate what I have here at home, and it's given me time to invest more in my husband and our marriage before adding a daughter into the mix.  And it's also given me a chance to spend a lot more time with the beautiful women you've placed around me.  Our community has grown deeper because I have had more freedom to spend time with them.  Thank you for that.

    Please help me understand more though.  So often, I still feel useless, and afraid.  Afraid that I'm somehow misunderstanding what it is that You're asking of me right now and I really ought to be working...that one of these days You're going to come back to the vineyard and find me eating and drinking of your rich stores instead of working, and say to me "Badly done, lazy and irresponsible servant."  Help me truly understand Your love for me -- not as I have been taught by my past or by any other influence, but from Your own lips.  Keep stripping away all the frivolity and distraction that has built up in my foundations.  Draw me closer and whisper to my heart, Abba.

    Please show me who You really are.

augustmorningstar

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